THE QUICK AND THE DIRTY: Fast Food Celebrity News

 Magic Mike lives up to expectation at the box office in terms of raking in the big bucks, showing off the boy butts and having a story line that was as lifeless and slow as the leading lady, Cody Horn‘s face and acting ability. If there was an Oscar for putting on a “halfway through pushing out a dry butt nugget” face – she’s got it nailed.

But there’s guy strippers and a penis pump scene.. who needs a story line?? GO SEE IT!

 Alec Baldwin wants to get married and have more filthy little pigs ….err we mean kids. And this time he wants to stay home and take care of them while his wife makes the big bucks. We pray for you future Baldwins.

Oprah disappoints us all and not only forges a friendship with the Kardashians but agrees to be in their show, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”  The only thing that could complete this cycle of Oprah’s bad judgement call is if she released a sex tape with Gayle.

Hollywood shocks the world by picking a woman to play in the next Spiderman movie. Just kidding, Andrew Garfield is allegedly a dude and goes down in the history books as the most Barney Fife-ish superhero to ever don tights.

Say what you want about about Scientology but Xenu juice prevents aging! Scientology’s BFF and newly single dude, Tom Cruise, turns 50 today and looks as good now as he did 15 auditing sessions ago!

In, “GURRRL what the fuck are you thinking?!?! news … yeah, Mila is supposedly hitting that trash bag. Let’s hope she wakes up and smells the hookers on his beard and bolts out of there before she’s reduced to a former shadow of herself and ends up doing whip-its with 14 year olds …DEMI

This is a recent picture of Robert Smith from The Cure. We’re sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.

Mario Lopez is still inexplicably getting jobs despite being the smarmiest douchebag on the planet.

Brad Pitt‘s brother does a Virgin Mobile commercial and confuses our genitals for looking like Brad Pitt and so NOT looking like Brad Pitt all at the same time.  Watch the commercial if you want your vagina to do a double take.

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