We don’t know about you, but here at SHEDENS we were shocked…simply SHOCKED.. at the news that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were getting a divorce. And of course, who could blame us? How could a relationship that was fully loaded with love, sweetness and blinding white toothy smiles stamped into the universe with violent jumps on Oprah‘s couch be …..sniff… OVER??!?! The world just seems a little gloomier today.
So please, join us as we celebrate and mourn the once perfectly robotic BUT VERY BELIEVABLE couple that was TomKat:
Once upon a time, the world and Oprah’s couch were caught by surprise …
Katie: I can’t believe I’m with Tom Cruise! I’m kissing Tom Cruise!
Tom: DavidBeckhamDavidBeckhamDavidBeckham ….
Praise Xenu! Tom had found love! Better yet, it was with a WOMAN!
And soon, the world was treated to a most wonderful and VERY GENUINE show of TomKat PDA ..
Katie: I love you Tom
Tom: Hold still while I put in some fresh batteries…
Katie: You’re the best.
Tom: I really am.
Katie: Oh yeah baby, I’m dropping it like it’s hot!
Tom: It’s John Travolta, John Travolta, just John TravoltaJohnTravoltaJohnTravolta
And maybe we were just so convinced of their love that later, we just didn’t see the signs that the relationship wasn’t what it used to be….
Tom: Mommy loved Daddy and Daddy cut her hair like the pool boy so Daddy could ‘love’ her back just enough so we could have you!
Katie: Is this bitch wearing my perfume again?
Tom: I can’t believe she picked the shoes I wanted to wear tonight.
And pretty soon, it seemed like the batteries …..err. we mean …the LOVE seemed to be wearing off..
Tom: Look everyone! I still like vagina!
Katie: Look everyone, he wants a vagina!
Tom: Come closer dammit, I can’t reach your switches….
Katie: *wonders if she can morse code ‘please help me’ to the press through blinking*
Tom: We make love all the time!
Katie: Only not with each other.
And sadly, on Friday, the gauntlet came down on TomKat in the form of irreconcilable differences. TomKat is no longer and we wonder how can we ever believe in love again? If a relationship this profound, meaningful and beautifully orchestrated can’t last then surely, non-Xenu approved love has an even lesser chance of survival!
Today, let’s all be a little kinder to one another, give each other smiles, big hugs and small favors because we are all suffering from this catastrophe. We wonder, will there ever be another loving relationship that can possibly compare to TomKat??!?
Anderson Cooper: Surprise – I’m gay.