7 Types Of Kisses We Want To Forget But Can’t

Whether it was sweet or messy, short, long or just plain awkward, everyone remembers their first kiss. It’s a kiss that’s so special that entire movies are made all about first kisses because it’s the Joe Manganiello of kisses. You might have one or two more amazing kisses after that, but as years pass, the memory of those kisses will probably start to fade but the memory of your first kiss always comes out of the box, brand spanking; new. You remember every detail from what you wore, how you felt, how good he smelled, etc.

On the opposite end of that spectrum is the lowest of the low kisses. The ones where you were clearly not a match and having your lips touch theirs was a downright traumatic experience. We’ve all had at least one of these types of kisses and since we’re all here anyway, let’s come in for a group hug and remember the seven awful kisses we want to forget but can’t.

1.The Dry Kiss – Most good kisses start off with two people who are optimistic about the results; but when you have a dry kiss, that optimism goes from high to low in about 2.2 seconds because kissing someone whose lips are going through a drought is like making out with a pumice stone. The only memorable thing about this kiss is the next day when you use a whole tube of Chapstick on your poor, chafed lips.

2.The Wet Kiss – Just a smidge worse than the dry kiss because you don’t have to clean up after a dry kiss. When you lock lips with a dribbler, things can get seriously messy. I remember my first wet kiss clearly because it felt like I was being waterboarded instead of kissed. At one point I thought he was just pouring a glass of water on my face. Even worse was after the kiss, I had to stand there and have a polite chat when all I really wanted to do was wipe off the slobbery mess he made.

3.The Oh Shit He’s Eating My Face Kiss –The date was perfect. The conversation? Wonderful. He’s looking good and you think he might be leaning in for a …yes! He is! He’s kissing you! But wait? What’s this? Why does he have half your face in his mouth? Why can you feel his front teeth on your nose? While most of us practiced kissing on pillows when we were kids, I truly believe that open mouth kissers practiced on a can of soda. Unfortunately, this type of kiss requires therapy to forget.

4.The Dying Fish Kiss – This is the guy who seems to be kissing just fine at first, but after a few seconds you realize he’s not really ‘kissing’ you so much as he’s ‘gulping’ at your face like a fish out of water. Even worse is that usually, dying fish kissers don’t like to switch up their technique in any way. They just stick with opening and closing their mouth on yours repeatedly and hope for the best.

5.The Leading Man Kiss – The dude who secretly wants to be in a rom-com and not a date. You’re the Kate Hudson to his Matthew McConaughey and when he kisses you at the end of the night, it’s full of flourish and drama, like he has three cameras on him. The kisses are a weird interpretive dance of kissing that’s usually slow, long and plain awkward because he’s oblivious to your indifference. He’ll have his eyes closed in complete ecstasy over his Oscar-winning kiss and you’re sitting there hoping he wraps it up so you can go inside, change into your sweats and make out with a pint of ice cream.

6.The Drunk Kiss – This isn’t really bad if you’re drunk too because you’ll both be disgusting together and that’s kind of sweet in a Joe Dirt way. But when he’s the only one that’s drunk, it can be like making out with a toilet plunger. Drunk kisses are a combination of the wet kiss, the fish kiss and the eat your face kiss that’s been flavor-boosted with Bud Light.

7.The Unexpected Kiss – Usually happens when the date sucked and he’s panicking because he really thought he was going to get laid tonight. So, despite spilling a glass of water on your dress or telling you he likes “chubbier girls like you” (true story), he’ll still go in for that kiss like a hail mary, hoping he’ll sink in a lay. Since they know that the date was shit, they’ll usually try to clamp onto your face when you’re in the middle of trying to find your keys in your purse. If that happens to you, feel free to take it up a notch and turn it into “The Kiss That Made You Kick Him In The Nuts.”


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