THE QUICK AND THE DIRTY: Fast Food Celebrity News

CHUCK BASS THOUGHT HE WAS CHUCK “BADASS”

Chuck Bass recently got in an altercation at a restaurant because he thought someone was taking his picture.  Apparently, he confronted the dude, tried to punch him and MISSED.  (insert pointing and laughing here) After his failed effort to try to be butch, he tattled to security and had the man escorted out of the restaurant.   Poor Chuck.  Someone needs to tell him that getting into a real fight could totally ruin his manicure.

NATALIE PORTMAN GETS MARRIED, BREAKS OUR HEARTS.

So yeah, our girl crush Natalie Portman got married. Sigh. Natalie shattered all our hopes of having a lesbian love affair by marrying Benjamin Centipede (SP?) in a midnight wedding at Big Sur.  They met on the set of Black Swan, had a baby together blah blah, blah, whatever…. (so bitter)

MICHAEL PHELPS DATING AN “ASPIRING” MODEL – SEEMS LEGIT

By ‘aspiring’ we mean she’s a waitress at restaurant, so in short, she’s just like EVERY waitress in the L.A. area  – but we all know how this story goes.  She’s going to be a full time successful model now that she’s dating Michael Phelps. And NO we’re not suggesting that she’s only dating him for the fame -because who wouldn’t want to date a swimmy, gold medal winning, Olympic version of Ichabod Crane??  Gold medals + gold digger = match made in Hollywood heaven!

BRIGETTE NEILSEN IS JUST LIKE YOU!

And by ‘you’ we mean the bums at the park who curse at the pigeons for taking their food and  pick up discarded cigarette butts to smoke them.  Brigitte Nielsen, who was in rehab and even starred in Celebrity Rehab, has fallen off the wagon hard, crashed into a  liquor store and rolled to a stop at a park in Studio City, California after downing a few bottles of vodka.  This is what happens when you mix vodka with some Flavo Flav kids.  Chaos and some mean grass stains.

NINA GARCIA DOESN’T KNOW WHAT PEASANTS MAKE

Nina Garcia is vying for the title of the most clueless consumerist whore of the world by tweeting that spending a ‘few weeks’ of your salary for a fuckin’ bag is a damn good investment. Because this bag is different from any other bag! It bakes cakes, cleans your car, babysits your kids and finger bangs you when your spouse is away on business.  Oh wait. No. It doesn’t do that. It just holds stuff. You know, just like that 50 dollar bag at Target? The only difference is that you’ll be out a a ‘few weeks’ salary (which to  Nina Garcia is 26,500 dollars) and being labeled a superficial dumb ass carrying an extremely overpriced bag is FREE with purchase!!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL IS MAKING A MOVIE OR SOMETHING

Um, we don’t know what the movie is about except for the fact that he worked out a lot for it and grew this yummy beard that we want to kiss with our other set of lips. (Oh Shedens, you so naasty!)

DEMI MOORE HAS A DOUCHEBAG FETISH. NEEDS HELP.

This is the guy Demi Moore is allegedly dating.  I’m sure he’s a nice guy but he lost us at the overly tight polo shirt with a popped collar. Can someone inform him that anybody past the age of 8 with a popped collar immediately gets the douchebag seal of approval.  It makes it so much worse when it’s coupled with that Hugh Grant-ish hair.  The only thing this guy needs is a trucker hat but we believe Demi’s last douche tart wiped the market clean out of those bad boys.

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