THE QUICK AND THE DIRTY: Fast Food Celebrity News

1. ESPN‘S BODY ISSUE IS OUT ..

Oh, what’s that? You lost 3.5 pounds and feeling good about your summer body? If that’s the case, we don’t recommended picking up a copy of ESPN’s body issue, which is a pictorial of athletes representing their sports and nudity. Taut abs, perky boobs, muscular pecs, it’s enough to make you throw away that new tankini and shove hohos in your mouth by the handful. Although this awesome picture of Robert Gronkowski might be worth the impending self loathing that’s sure to come after purchasing the magazine.

2. TOM CRUISE & KATIE HOLMES SETTLE

Big ups to Katie Holmes for puttin’ up her dukes against the Xenu leprechaun and winning custody of Suri. It surprised everyone how fast their lawyers hashed out a deal. Did two celebrities actually put the well being of their child before their egos? Or maybe Katie had some footage of Tom bending it for Beckham. Yeah. That’s probably it.

3. PRINCE WILLIAM & KATE EXCLUSIVE HONEYMOON PHOTOS

I think we all know who everyone is gawking at in this picture. Prince Williams questionable taste in swim trunks! It looks like a Magnum P.I. shirt re-purposed into swim trunks with the help of the DIY Pinterest board.  If only he had paired it with a mustache – this ensemble would’ve almost worked.  But asking Prince William to sprout more hair is about as feasible as Jenna Jameson regrowing her hymen.

4. UNGRATEFUL TWATS

Hey Demi, remember the time you birthed these children out of your vagina, fed them and turned your back on Hollywood so you could raise them right? Well these very kids have reportedly cut off all ties with Demi at a time when she needs them most, until she gets her shit together.  While we understand Demi’s recent troubles isn’t very flattering for her or anyone involved, how fucked up do you have to be to turn on your mother when she’s obviously having a breakdown? If this happened in real life to our mothers, Ashton would be in our basement getting a feces facial and a pillowcase full of soap type of beat down because we’re ghetto ass bitches…and we bought a ton of soap at Costco.

5. VIACOM VS. DIRECTV

The Viacom DirecTV fight is getting dirty. Yesterday, Viacom pulled their channels from DirecTV due to a dispute over ..well what else? Money. The mudslinging played out through scrolling ticker fights on our t.v. the day before.  Viacom recently took off some of their streaming online shows just to throw a little more stank nasty into the fight. Can we just settle this the trailer park way and have the CEOs get on Jerry Springer so they can pull each other’s hair, use bad grammar and have an accidental nip slip while they fight? We’d pay good money to see that and Bam! Money dispute SOLVED.

6. WORLD’S FATTEST WOMEN GETTIN’ HER FREAKY FITNESS ON!

The world’s fattest woman was so fat at one point, her son had to help her to the toilet. Her ex-husband saw her on the news which prompted him to call her up so they could meet. Well apparently, fupa farts and riding butter rolls is his type of shit because he’s sexing it up with her 7 TIMES A DAY and apparently it’s helping her lose weight! He admits it’s hard to do the nasty probably because has to put scuba gear on his penis before it dives in and searches for her vagina. They had the not so bright idea of having her on top which worked, up until she realized that his screeches of ecstasy was actually just him gasping for air. Enjoy your lunch guys!

7. SPIDERMAN GOES SNOOKI

In WTF news….Spiderman’s bouffant. Comic book Peter Parker is disgusted.

As are we Peter Parker, as are we….

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