Terrifying is usually a word reserved for something that makes you either scream, piss yourself, sweat or all of the above. And usually when something is ‘terrifying’ it involves something out of the ordinary; ghosts, people dressed up like ghosts that you think are real ghosts, an accident, a roller coaster ride (or in our case giant ferris wheels. They go really high!), or suddenly seeing Bruce Jenner‘s post-surgery lady face in HD on your flatscreen t.v.
Definition of Terrifying: Turn the channel quick! Oh God….. I can’t find the remote!!!
But it’s not always big significant events or pulled pork faces that can be described as terrifying. Sometimes, every day normal situations can be just as heart stopping:
1. THE UNWELCOME PASSENGER IN THE CAR:
So there you are, driving to Starbucks, daydreaming about getting your hands on a Venti Mochoalottamintsmoothie Frappajoe for 20 dollars and as you’re about to go into the drive through, a fuzzy eight legged friend, sticky string poops his way right in front of your face, says hello and absolute chaos ensues. Driving and not running over pedestrians has taken a very back seat to getting away from the creepy crawly spider that’s now inches from your nose. This situation makes a hilarious story for later but while it’s happening – it is absolutely one of the most terrifying things that’s happening in your life at that very moment. It’s so terrifying that the brain matter that housed your reason and logic, liquefies on the spot and bleeds out your ears, because you would rather injure yourself and take out the entire back end of Starbucks than have ol’ Charlotte and her butt web near your face. Seriously though, fuck stowaway spiders. (this also holds true for bees)
2. RAIDERS OF THE LOST STRING:
First thing’s first: Men, you can go grab a sandwich, this is about the lady bleedies. Gay guys, if you don’t already hate the clam pie, you’ll most certainly come to abhor it and its owners if you keep on reading .
So there. They’ve been warned. Ladies, you know the deal, every 30 days, aunt flow stays and we’re bloated, cramped and inexplicably want to eat obscene amounts of chocolate covered ham for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And every time the lava flows, we essentially live 50 percent of our life in the restroom, changing our tampons. On heavy days, we’re in there changing the plug so much, they all start to blur together after about the 3rd change of the day. Before you know it, you walk into the bathroom on auto pilot, open up yet another tampon when suddenly, you pause…..did you take out the old tampon already? So you check around for the string and …is it over… no….what about over this way….maybe it’s hiding behind here… wait… YOU KNOW you didn’t take it out. So where is it? It has to be in there! HAS TO BE!! [insert TERROR here] Did the string fall off??? Oh god…oh no… how are you going to get it out? And at this point, you’re squatting over the toilet with a hand mirror in full panic mode because if you can’t find it, there are only a couple of not so pleasant solutions to your problem. 1. leave it in there in hopes that the string magically reappears before it becomes a medical issue. 2. Get some rubber gloves, dive right in there and go tampon fishing. 3. Hire an expert to fish it out for you as in, make an appointment with your gynecologist to do the dirty work. All very fun things to have on your to-do list.
We would go on but even we’re starting to scare ourselves at the thought of it.
3. THE TOILET WATER THAT RISETH
Is there anything more satisfying than going to the bathroom? It’s one of our basic, not so beautiful human activity that everyone does. Looking past the disgusting aspect of the act, the release of wasteful leftovers from our body is one of life’s great feelings. But we guarantee that the cleansing high you’re feeling will come crashing down faster than Facebook stocks when, upon flushing the toilet, instead seeing the water swirl down, you see the water level rise up … RAPIDLY.
And with it, your less than delightful creations.
The terrifying level gets raised up a notch when you’re in someone elses’ house – your mind races as to what you should do. Prayers, chants to God that you’ll start going to church every weekend and sacrifice a goat if he just keeps the toilet from overflowing. You start to think that maybe you should close the lid because everyone knows a toilet lid is the same as a tupperware lid right? OF COURSE it’ll hold the water in! Ridiculous to impossible solutions fly through your mind needlessly because, even if you could think up of a feasible solution, the bowel bon bons will probably be swimming around your feet before you get the idea.
4. THE GAS WITH SOME SASS
There’s no need to explain this one too much because we’ve all done it before or at least known of someone who’s let out a toot that came out a poop. Most of the time, you know exactly when it’s just going to be gas or when it’s the real thing and act accordingly. But sometimes, whether it be a bad tofu burger you ate the day before that your vegan friend promised would taste like a real burger (and it totally didn’t because it NEVER DOES people), or a drinking binge gone too far because you forgot you weren’t in high school anymore or whatever the case may be, sometimes, the gas cannon gets crossed in with the poop shoot and nothing good can come of it. The moment you release the pressure valve and suddenly think, are farts supposed to feel warm and we…. ?!?! Let the terror begin! Scratch this if it happens in the comfort of your own home because, unless you stained the couch (and if it did, you might want to reassess your diet) because who cares? You’re at home. This is only exclusively terrifying when it happens in public or god forbid if you happen to be wearing a SKIRT .. AT WORK. If that’s the situation you happen to find yourself in, we can only hope and pray to the Gods of Clean Knickers that you can make a clean (okay maybe not so clean) getaway to the bathroom so you can wipe away all the shame.
Written by: Elaine Chaney – who is perfect so NONE of these things ever happened to her (replace ‘none’ with ‘all’ and that’s the more accurate story)